WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? #1

Posted by Matthew Windsor on

 

we've teamed up with SLC's resident wise sages, Milk Money, to answer questions and tell stories about hardcore, hardrock, the "scene", life advice, and whatever other random shit comes to mind. follow them on TWITTER, check them out on SPOTIFY, and check back next week for WTFDYTYA#2.

 

Hi, we’re Milk Money. Welcome to our very first advice column on life, love, and hardrock (like it says in the banner). In this time of uncertainty, many of you have questions, but nowhere to turn—that’s where we come in. We’re seasoned vets of hardrock, and were looking for a place to share our unique worldview when Gold Blood Collective stepped in and offered us a platform to do just that. Whether you need advice on scene hair, or how to handle a jilted ex-lover, Milk Money has the answers you probably weren’t looking for.

@roxie_kilbot asks: Swoop bangs or emo mullet?

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M$: Once upon a time, way back in 2004—back when you could actually go to malls, and did so willingly—we walked into a Hot Topic in Olympia, Washington. This was before Milk Money was a band, but after the idea had been planted and discussions were underway. Anyway. We were looking for flyers for our show that night, and figured if any of the stores in this mall had one, it would be Hot Topic. There were two kids working that day—one had swoop bangs, and one had an emo mullet. Both were wearing black button-up shirts with a red tie. They had no interest in us, and all they wanted to do was talk to us about their favorite band My Chemical Romance.

We all looked at each other and replied, “Yeah, we kinda figured.”

Swoop bangs and emo mullets are synonymous with MySpace (remember Kiki Kannibal?) and anyone that has a picture of themselves with either hairstyle is terrified of it resurfacing. There’s never been a louder collective sigh of relief than when MySpace announced that anything posted before 2016 was likely lost forever in a server migration malfunction. 

Swoop Bangs were mostly favored by guys that wore tight jeans, fingerless gloves, and praised the brilliance of films like DONNIE DARKO or were dying to tell you that they read House of Leaves while at a Hawthorne Heights show. It’s not very popular anymore, and that’s a good thing. But if you meet a guy that’s super into motorcycle culture, loves doom metal, and extols the virtue of craft beer or mixology, I can almost guarantee that there’s a black and white, angled selfie of him looking sad under his swoop bangs. It’s probably a more recent picture than you think, too. Guys tend to hold on to outdated styles a lot longer than is acceptable.

The Emo Mullet had a longer shelf life, but not for any good reason. This one was favored more by girls than guys—though both styles were totally interchangeable—and can still be spotted today. Women are much better at adapting to a changing culture, so once most girls were out of their teens, they moved on to an ombre, actual bangs, layers, and so forth. Once it was officially out of style by anyone with a sense of fashion, it was adapted by suburban moms and renamed “The Cafe Rio” (our choice) or more widely known, the “May I Speak With Your Manager?” haircut. If you see any woman with this hairstyle today, avoid them at all costs. No good can come from it.

I guess the answer to your question then, is neither. Leave both of these ridiculous hairstyles in 2005 where they rightfully belong. You can still listen to Taking Back Sunday and Yellowcard if you want though. That’s what the ‘Private Session’ setting on Spotify was made for.



Armed with Regret asks: WHY DOES MY EX GIRLFRIEND STILL HAVE MY HAVE HEART ARMED WITH A MIND HOODIE? 


M$: Because Pat Flynn liked one of her post-break up selfies. Sometimes you just gotta take the ‘L’ and move on. Sorry bro.

 

Incarcerated Ailurophile writes:

Dear Milk Money,

Here’s my problem: I just found out my 1st husband impregnated the desk lady at the big cat zoo I own in Oklahoma. I guess I always sensed he had straight tendencies but I did not see this coming. Turns out he was only gay for the methamphetamines I’ve been supplying him since he was a teenager. Should I try to work things out or should I use this as an opportunity to spend more time with my 2nd husband?

 

Love that song about the tiger tail.

 

Rawr,

Joe

 

M$: If there’s one thing worth fighting for, Joe, it’s love.

 

Noam Coats asks: How does something that relies heavily on social interaction, like hardcore with hardcore shows, continue existing in a time like now?


M$: When M$ thinks of the relationship between hardrock and society -- and for us the question is always what it could be, rather than what it is -- we think of the word "transcendent." It is a word we never use in public, but it's the only word we can come up with to describe what we think about the role of hardrockers. By transcendent, we mean that hardrock transcends the immediate. 

Transcends the here and now. 

Transcends the madness of the world. 

Transcends terrorism and war. 

Hardrockers think, act, perform music, and write outside the framework that society has created. Hardrockers may do no more than give us beauty, laughter, passion, surprise, and drama. We don't mean to minimize these activities by saying hardrockers can do no more than this. The hardrocker needn't apologize, because by doing this, the hardrocker is telling us what the world should be like, even if it isn't that way now. The hardrocker is taking us away from the moments of horror that we experience everyday -- some days more than others -- by showing us what is possible. 

But the hardrocker can and should do more. In addition to creating works of art, the hardrocker is also a citizen and a human being. The way that society tends to classify us scares us.  We are a hardrock band. We don't want to be just a hardrock band, but society puts us into a discipline. Yes, disciplines us: you're a hardrock band, you're a businessman, you're an engineer. You're this or you're that. The first thing someone asks you at a party is, "What do you do?" That means, "How are you categorized?" The problem is that people begin to think that's all they are. They're professionals in something. You hear the word professionalism being used often. People say, "You have to be professional." Whenever we hear the word, we get a little scared, because that limits human beings to working within the confines set by their profession.

Hardrock is not a profession, it’s an art-form. And it will persevere because it must.

 

[Noam Chomsky wrote that—but like, ditto.]

 

Some Guy Named Phillip asks: Are you guys for real?

M$:


If you’d like M$ to answer your question in next week’s column, follow us on Twitter or Instagram and hit our DMs or use the tag, #AskMilkMoney.

Until next time, this is Milk Money saying, “We’re in touch, so you be in touch.”

 

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